Hello and welcome to The Voice of God.
The Voice of God is a comedy project. This is its premise: God is angry, bitter, drunk, and has had it up to here with the whole lot of us. He has decided to start a daily blog – a podcast – in which He tells us exactly what He thinks with us.
The first part of the project has ended after four months, leaving us with 111 comedy podcasts and nearly five hours of comedy.
We learned about how bitter God is with I’m Not Bitter. Later on, God’s bitterness resurfaced when readers dared ask Are You Really God?
We also learned that God hates everyone. He thinks men suck, women suck, feminism sucks, religious people suck (He even took the time to take on all three monotheistic religions at once in Religious People Really Suck), and that Stan Lee is His ultimate archnemesis. In fact, when the list got too long, people complained that He is insulting. God tried to explain Himself in Me? Insulting? and ended up insulting everyone even worse than before. When His girlfriend discovered what God said about women, she made Him read a completely voluntary statement.
Dead people in Heaven drive God crazy. Einstein scared God half to death when he told Him that sometimes He exists, and sometimes He doesn’t. Whenever Doctor Seuss comes to visit, God can’t stop rhyming for seven whole days!
Sometimes, God accidentally mentions His penis.
Since God has a blog, He also answers readers’ emails. Sometimes, though, they ask stupid questions. Sometimes the blind ask to be healed. Now you know that can only mean trouble, don’t you? When a person who actually loves God wrote to Him, we discovered the orgasmic power of prayer. A new mother rediscovered God and sent Him an email, only to receive His ire, not once, but twice. In our first email series, God took on Melissa, a cute six-year-old girl who asked Him to save her sister: Melissa, That Bitch Melissa Again, then A Line in the Sand. Sometimes, though, it’s as if people want God to yell at them.
God is prone to nostalgia. In His podcasts, he recalled the good old times like slavery, losing His virginity, songs priests sang to Him, how Moses loved the paparazzi, or even the one and only Marshmallow Jesus.
Some of the things God did in this blog can’t be categorized easily: When God got questions about His British accent, He tried assuming a horrific Texan accent. God likened Himself to Bond in License to Kill. One time, God had nothing to say. Another time, God wrote an autobiographical limerick. God also discovered that reading people’s minds is an awful burden. When God gives advice, we should listen. Here are a few pick up lines for the men out there. One time, in a moment of sobriety, God called Himself the C-Word… many, many times. You know God looks down at us, don’t you?
God needs to be popular. In a constant attempt to appeal to new audiences, He started a poll, searching for a popular new name. Later, God chose His new brand name, and kicked it off with the historic speech ‘Being Gaahrd Is Hard’ . Riding the wave of being Gaahrd, God asked us to choose His new trademark laughter. God’s short and catastrophic career as Gaahrd ended after a week with another historic speech, ‘Being Gaahrd is crud’. A month later, God set about trademarking His new battle cry. God was never good at holding referendums. One time God even tried to appeal to the street, retelling Genesis in the for shizzle vernacular.
Retelling Genesis is always fun, especially when you try to appeal to the Harry Potter readers. And if you’re wondering what really happened to Jesus, why not hear it from the horse’s mouth?
When a real reader, Rsmb1, asked God for transcripts of the podcasts, the response was… well… see for yourselves.
The internet has many uses. One time, God decided to put a pair of His balls for sale on eBay. Which, of course, left God with a taste for more balls.
At times, God starts acting like God. So He instituted new holidays as only a drunk God can; offered us the ten commandments of BS-ing; or simply peered into the future… of the podcast. Of course, blind faith is always important to a god. And blind faith must be exercised regularly or it is turned into doubt. Which means that it is time for some blind faith exercises.
When God explained His true stance regarding abortion (“It’s okay as long as it’s not the woman’s right to choose”) He accidentally says that there is no God. This leads to much confusion, which ends up with God going on strike, to prove that people need Him.
Every so often, God just wakes up feeling gay, gay, gay.
Sadly, not everyone loves God. One day God discovered that someone on the internet has started a blog called The Voice of God, making fun of Him. God was outraged. When people in an internet group called CIWI in Israel jumped to God’s defense, God took their side, and blasted The Voice of God.
I hope you enjoy the podcasts.
Thanks and kudos to Bobby Lax (the voice of God) and to Nir Yaniv (who recorded and edited the sound of God).
What’s next? The Voice of God may return every so often with a new comedy album. We’ll see.
